High Five Yo!!

Wow Friday has finally come!! I've been saying how fast time has been going, but this week dragged on!!

My week has been pretty boring to say the least, but we made the best of it. 

1) sprung house arrest today. Although it was only for a doctors appointment. 

That aircast weighs 5 pounds! 

2) my doctors appointment went well this morning. Blood pressure is stable and meds are remaining the same! The doctor said this was one way to control it, as I'm essentially on bed rest because of my foot. Huge thanks to my Dad for taking me, even if he used my wheelchair to stop the elevator doors from shutting lol. 

3) the nursery curtains came in the mail yesterday, which meant I got to go up to see the nursery!! We didn't have the proper light bulb, so the lighting was very poor, but I will go up again on the weekend to see how it matches, but I am just loving the way it looks!! Felt great to be up there again! I'm hoping to be able to start working in there next week (foot dependant).

4) loving snuggles with this little guy all week:

He takes bed rest pretty seriously, and reading up on pregnancy not so much. His little paws actually opened my what to expect app. 

He also lives feeling the baby kick:

 M caught him up laying on the nursery rug looking at the crib. He is patiently waiting too. 

5) the weekend is here and although I had to cancel my dinner plans with N & M, we don't have much on the go! Hopefully M will catch some downtime! 

Hope everyone has a great and safe weekend!! 

A Year Ago This Past Weekend

A year ago this past weekend, was a weekend I will never forget for many reasons, and most of them being so very unpleasant.

We found out our IVF cycle failed. It was horrible. One of those moments in life where it makes you wonder WHY? Why is it always no's instead of yes's. When will things begin to look up? And better yet, where do we go from here? It was the bottom of rock bottom. I was done. Done with treatments, done with medications, daily appointments and monitoring, done with needles, done with pretending to be happy, done with pretending this wasn't our story, and done with the constant negativity surrounding our fertility story. Just plain and simple done. 

Both of our IVF cycles failed around Christmas, this one before and the one previous we found out New Years Eve. Why the hell was I cycling around the happiest time of the year? And to add to the misery, our first IVF cycle that was cancelled half way was at thanksgiving. For anyone out there cycling around these times of the year, proceed with caution, because in the worst case scenario the downfall is even harder because the last thing you want is to be happy around family and friends celebrating.

I promised myself I would not do that to myself and M again. But also in my mind I couldn't bear the thought of even trying again, maybe we were meant to be childless, maybe this is where our struggle ends, where we move on with our lives as just Mike and Ashley, the crazy couple with all the pets and too much love for other peoples children. Maybe we should adopt, or foster? 

M was ready to go and find out the next step, and I was reluctant to have any part of it, but went along to the appointment, where we were told that our options were dwindling, this cycle should have worked, maybe we need to do further testing on the quality of our eggs/sperm, but one thing that wasn't offered was a cycle right away, it was let me talk to my colleagues about your AMH, let's retest it. In my head it wasn't a positive outlook ahead. It was our RE exhausting his knowledge and it was money in our bank accounts that were beginning to dwindle. I promised myself I wasn't going to cry during this appointment, I was going to be as cold as this infertility has made me. My hope was shattered, my eyes were dry from being cried out too much, it was all I could do to get out of bed and fake a smile on my face. The only think I managed to mumble out was maybe we could just try a script for clomid when we are ready. My RE said it wasn't a fan of clomid and told us it wouldn't solve our problems, but wrote the script for just one month, I think just so that I could say I had tried it. 

Back to the weekend from hell, we had received the bad news, we had a Christmas Party to attend. I couldn't bear the thought of drinking away my problems and went sans alcohol, just as I would have had I received the positive outcome. But M, he ended up feeling absolutely no pain. I drove everyone home, and crawled into bed where I was finally able to let free on my tears, all the while my husband was puking all over my dining room. The smell was horrid and to make matters worse, I went to let the dogs inside and ended up stepping in it. And that my friends was the end of the end. I yelled and screamed and cried and all of my anger overcame me at that instant. I said horrible things I didn't mean and beat myself up for my failing body. I was the most angry I had ever been and not over the puke, not even at my husband, but at my failing body. It was horrible. 

But this year, this year is soo entirely different. Maybe I needed to experience the above to bring me to today. To make myself know just how lucky and blessed I am. They say once you hit rock bottom, you can only go up. I think that was my rock bottom. My marriage became stronger after I was finally able to get out what I needed to. I had bottled up every comment made to me about when we will have kids, every failed treatment, every fake smile, every baby shower, every holiday - faking it until I made it. 

This year having Baby V in my tummy snuggling and growing away, will not only be something I have dreamt of, but it will be a time I can just be me. Happy, go lucky, ME! I don't have to fake smiles, or drinking, or anything. This pregnancy has allowed me to be me for the first time in 4 long excruciating hard years! I've changed, my eyes are open wider now to a whole new world that many people don't even know. I see things differently and have a whole new perspective on life, our child's life, my marriage, just generally everything.

Everyone has a story and there are often unfortunate parts that take place and as shitty as I can say infertility is, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it has broke me down in ways I can never forget, but because of it all, I am soo much stronger, my marriage is stronger. It is a part of our story and I will choose to embrace it now.

Not that our plans happened the way we expected them too, but we managed to pop by the end of the party for a drink and then headed home. But I suppose it wasn't the party that I needed to attend, just the weekend over all. And despite fracturing my ankle, I was still in a way better place than previous years, pain and all. Seeing sweet baby V was an added bonus to it all. Yet another small bump in the road, but a road I am well on my way into achieving.

So What Wednesday

Due to the events that have transpired since last Wednesday we have yet again enough "so what's" to provide another post.

So here we go again:

- so what if today is the first day since I fractured my ankle that I actually feel somewhat human? Amazing what putting on a pair of jeans can do for a girl.
 

- so what if my in-laws found an old walker for me to use around the house... Better than a rolling office chair. 

- so what if because of said walker I feel like an old lady instead of a new mom-to-be. But in all honesty it helps. 

- so what if the best part of my day is taking off the air cast to ice my ankle. I will spare you the images. (Sorry Instagram friends, although those are nothing)

- so what if I can't even recognize my ankle, between the colors coming out on it and the swelling, it's horrible looking and guess what she ain't getting any prettier.

- so what if my husband has now seen me getting off a toilet, no shame no game? It was bound to happen anyways at some point. 

- so what if while on the subject of toilets, when they told me to stay off of my ankle, with the exception of bathroom breaks - they must have forgotten (yet again) that I am pregnant and pregnancy bladders still call whether your ankle is fractured or not! So it turns out I should just hang out in the bathroom for the amount of times my bladder calls to benefit from staying off my ankle. 

- so what if I am considering getting one of those shower stools, right now I am using a foot stool and guess what, a pregnant belly, boobs and knees don't have a lot of room to move all compacted together.

- so what if despite the above issues with the stool, I can't wait to have a shower again tonight.

- so what if my poor husband hasn't been busy enough, and now he has me to deal with, on top of getting everything else done. I feel soo bad, but he reminds me of when he's needed it all from me, although it doesn't quite compare, but he at least tries to make me feel better. 

- so what if this new cell phone cover excited me. Aside from sweet baby kicks, that's all I got! 

 

- so what if the poor dogs keep staring me down like I cancelled Christmas because I won't take them walking in the nice weather. 

- so what if said dogs decided to empty my garbage can when I sprung house arrest  last night and scattered it all around the living room. Worst part was I couldn't just blame one, they were both to blame. And to make matters better, after that behaviour M ended up taking them for a walk in the freezing drizzle. So we pretty much rewarded them. 

- so what if the nursery furniture is all upstairs and the new light is hung, it's not like I have seen any of it anyways. It's just a big tease knowing it's all up there and I am stuck on the main floor. I told M I'm going up when the curtains come in, with his help - I don't care if I go up on my butt. On a plus side I at least got to to see our new car seat:

- so what if my floors need to be washed, I am learning (the hard way) to let things slide. 

- so what about all of the above. It could be worse. The baby is safe and in all honesty, it all that matters in my mind. It gets me through the pain, and the frustration.

What are you saying so what to? 

25 Weeks

How Far Along:

25 weeks - November 24 - 30, 2013 

 

Size Of Baby?


A Cauliflower!!

Baby has fingerprints! His/her nostrils are starting to open and although we cannot hear it, baby's vocal chords are starting to form!

 

Maternity Clothes?

  Still mixing it up. Found this super cute owl sweater in my closet that was pre-pregnancy and I forgot I had it!!

 

 

Stretch Marks?

Still just a small one, but nothing really noticeable.

 

Gender?

We will find out in March! 

What the Doctor Had To Say:

Good news first - baby is doing great, heart rate was 158-160, growth is right on track as far as my uterus goes. Gave me advice for the reflux and told me I could take Zantac. 

Bad news: I am now on blood pressure medication twice a day. I had been monitoring it at home (because of my history with blood pressure issues in the past) and sure enough my readings were always 130/90+. The diastolic pressure ranges from 90 to 100 all through out the day. Not cool! I have been getting more headaches, so he decided to start me on a small dose of blood pressure meds to be safe. There is no protein in my urine, so preeclampsia is not an issue, but something we are trying to avoid by treating my blood pressure now. I go back in a week for him to monitor the baby, making sure both mine and the babies heart rate isn't dropping, as well as checking my blood pressure to make sure the meds are working right. Then the following week I go back again, where he is going to do an ultrasound to check on the placenta and make sure it's not having any issues, as well as the baby. Good news is I get to see the baby again. I will also do my glucose test that day as well.  

To add to the bad news, I ended up fracturing my ankle, as well as tearing the lateral ligaments and spraining it. Go big or go home? Well it's big and I am stuck at home, with an air cast for 4 weeks minimum. At first it was supposed to be 2 weeks, as they misdiagnosed me saying there was no break/fracture, but then I got a call a day later with instruction for the fracture. 

 

  

Sleep?
Hit and miss. I usually get up to pee around 3 AM. If M would stop clearing his nightstand and waking up everyone when it all falls on the ground, we would sleep better (4 nights in a row we are talking). 

Baby Purchases This Week:
 Crib skirt came in! I love how it looks!!

I bought a package of knobs for the change table and ordered drawer pulls for the dresser. 

I also ordered the crib mattress and car seat - both of which came in this week, but the car seat is at my sisters. 

I feel like I am in constant buy buy buy mode, now that the nursery is coming together. 

Made this Week:
 Just crocheted away. 

   

M finished the dresser and bassinet and brought it home. The change table is giving us grief, I think because it is soo old, so we are sealing it with a special primer and then will try painting it again. By the end of the week M had the remaining peices finished. 

Cravings/Aversions?

Chocolate pudding. It's all I want... All the time!! 

   

Movement?
Still lots of movement! This feeling will never get old!! 

Feeling?

Overall, pretty good. Headaches are back and have been quite bad this week! Reflux is still here. But on a plus side the bloody nose is gone, but the constant drip isn't! 

Highlights:
  Getting some of the nursery furniture back in the nursery all painted! Love how it is turning out! What a transformation! 

I starting pulling some of the stuff I have already for the baby and placing it in the room, but I really need the other furniture! I've got receiving blankets in the laundry hamper up there to come down to be washed before putting away.

Less than 100 days to go!!!

   

Belly Button?

In

Best Moment of the Week?

 The crib went up at the beginning of the week! Now as much as I said "sh*t just got real" when we bought the crib, it became even more real when we put the crib up!

 

Getting to see Baby V again via ultrasound after my fall! It was reassuring to say the least.

Love how the dresser has transformed from when we first had it handed down to us in our old house to today:

 

Crazy Pregnancy Moment:

  Being a bit disappointed regarding the blood pressure issues. I just want to do what is best for the baby, as well as my well being, but it can be a little scary when things come up along the road. I knew going into this that my blood pressure could become an issue during the pregnancy, as my cardiologist had informed me, but I guess everything was just going well and I got caught up in it and didn't expect the sudden bump in the road. 

My laughing/crying hysterics with M in the truck as mentioned here.

Rolling my ankle going down a step was no fun either and it is considered crazy in my opinion! You can read about it on yesterday's post.

Crazy to see the difference between this 15 week photo

And this one below from this this week!! What a difference 10 weeks makes!

 

Bump Pic:

 

 

(pre-fracturing my ankle)

 

  

Looking Forward To:

  My doctors appointment next week to find out how we are doing. 

All the stuff I ordered to come in!! 

Becoming more mobile, as I am essentially on bed rest now, only able to get up to use the bathroom. It's going to be a long 4 weeks. 

  

Snap-Crackle-Pop

Welcome December! November went out with some bumps and bruises to say the least.

Our weekend started off with a fun night out for a friends surprise 30th birthday, where the baby kicked like crazy to live music and even enjoyed a virgin Shirley Temple! We were home by 11:30 and luckily it was just over at the pub here in the village! 

Saturday, M was going to look at a new toy for work, I call it a toy, he calls it a survey vehicle and now that I am writing this I have no clue what they ended up buying, I know it's not a quad, but like a quad... Whatever. I met him at the farm for lunch with two spun dogs that needed some energy run off at the farm. And they headed straight for the fields where they had just plowed in chicken sh*t. Not impressed, so that was short lived. M put the final coat of paint on the wardrobe and change table and I headed home for a nap, knowing we had a Christmas Party that evening. Mike must have come home sometime while I was napping and finally managed some downtime for himself. 

I had Home Alone on the TV, took the time to straighten my hair, actually put make up on, and continued to get ready while M wrapped up the presents for the Christmas Present (we play a gift game), got ready himself! Check out my hot date on Saturday:

Santa photo bomb...

Just as we were leaving, I was headed down the stairs off the back deck, stepped off the last one onto my left foot and SNAP. Down I went over on my ankle in excruciating pain, luckily ending up on my leg/butt. The pain was unreal, I had to resituate myself on the ground to get my ankle off the ground, as any pressure on it was horrible. M of course came running, as he heard the snap too and went right into help mode. He called a friend to help get me off the ground (it was snow), but he wasn't close enough to home, so before he called the whole village, I told him we would do it. I put my good foot on his feet that were planted well and he pulled me up and helped me hop to the truck. He thought it was best to go to the hospital, but I was still in some sort of shock and just figured I rolled it and needed ice. But when I couldn't even place my foot on the ground in the truck, I finally agreed. We dropped our presents off at the fire hall and headed straight for the hospital where the shaking non-stop started.
 

When we arrived, because I am pregnant, they sent me straight up to the maternity ward to be checked first. They took us right back and hooked up a non-stress test, which ran for about 40 minutes. They had asked me if I had felt the baby at all since I fell, which I told them I hadn't, but I was clearly distracted with pain from my ankle. But once hooked up the baby was being his/her typical self (a stinker) and was kicking the monitor, and moving around like crazy.
 



 

The OB on call was about to leave for the evening, but popped in to see me, turns out it was a doctor I had seen previously at the fertility clinic. He congratulated us, recalled our journey, reassured us that the baby was safe, passed the non-stress test, there were no contractions, etc. But then he decided to go above and beyond telling us that because we had been through soo much in the past to get to this point, he offered to do a quick ultrasound himself for extra reassurance. So we got to see the baby via ultrasound and sure enough the baby was posing for us with her/his hands behind her/his head as if to say "Hey Mom and Dad, all is cool in here". The doctor looked at my placenta and didn't see any tears or anything. The nurse told us she though it was a girl because of the baby's position, already practicing to talk on the phone. But we did not see anything. So baby's sex is still a secret!! My blood pressure was surprisingly good (meds are working) but my pulse was really high, but the OB figured it was from the pain. He wished us well, gave me some Tylenol to help with pain and sent us downstairs to get my ankle looked at.
 

We waited and waited, I was starving, as I hadn't eaten since noon, but they wouldn't let me eat in case it was broken and need to set it. They ended up getting an Emergency, but to move us along they sent me for an x-ray. This part was no fun, and of course the x-ray tech was less than impressed that I hadn't seen a doctor yet and better yet that I was pregnant and he had not explained the risks. But the tech went over everything, took extra precautions and we got started, where the shaking began again. The pain was unreal.

 

A doctor finally came and saw us, told us it was not broken, just badly sprained and I had torn all the lateral ligaments in my ankle. She recommended I take lots of anti-inflammatories - which a pregnant woman can not take. So I kindly reminded her that I was pregnant and she then informed me that my recovery would take longer because I cant take anything to bring down swelling. Great. She recommended an air cast, touched my ankle, told me to stay off of it for 2 weeks, to ice it and that was all she said and did. A nurse came and attempted to put one on - but she hadn't done one before. Awesome, third time was charm. I still didn't feel overly secure in it, but she assured me it was on right.

 

M and I grabbed McDonald's on the way back home, but decided we better make a quick appearance at the party, since they all knew what had happened and I was bummed we couldn't go because of me. We had a drink and headed home, where we had to take the air cast off again so I could get changed. Thank God for wide leg lounge pants that I can fit around it. But when M put the cast back on the pain was too much, the shaking came right back (I have never shook in pain before) and the tears for the first time had come. I was done.  

 

Our sleep was rough, as I had to pee often (damn pregnancy bladder) and was just generally uncomfortable. I am only able to take Tylenol Extra Strength - but it doesn't touch it.

 

I was up by 8 AM because my back couldn't bear to be in bed any longer. M relaxed by my side watching movies as I just tried to rest on the couch as comfortable as possible. The swelling was getting worse, at one point it looked like I had an apple coming out of my ankle and the bruising has started. So we iced it on and off, as well as read the instructions on the air cast and sure enough the nurse had put it on wrong. It was much more comfortable on the right way.

 

M hung the ceiling fan in the nursery, which he luckily took a picture so I could see it, as my plans to be up there this week organizing won't be happening. He also had M come and help him move the remainder of the furniture up there too. J and little G decided to pop by and cheer me up while they did that. Such a tease that I cant see it all up there, but J went us as a woman's set of eyes and told me she liked it, told me what she move, so I at least have an idea. Hopefully I will feel somewhat better and a bit more mobile that M will be able to help me up there to just see it, so for now it is a big surprise.

 

M went and grabbed groceries and dinner, came home we ate, he made banana bread and I decided I better shower while I could since he was home, because he has fire practice on Monday night. I sat on foot stool in the shower, had M take my nail polish off my toes, as I couldn't stand to look at them anymore, and then showered quick.

 

A doctor called from the hospital I was at and told me that it turns out that I do have a small fracture, so recovery will be a bit longer. He also informed me to take lots of anti-inflammatories. I told him I was pregnant, so he quickly told me not to take them. So now my recovery is looking more along the lines of 4-6 weeks. Awesome.
 

M helped me back to the couch, I blow dried my hair and by the time I was done that, I became overwhelmed with not being able to do anything myself. M says he doesn't mind, and I believe him, but it is just frustrating because I sometimes can't describe what I need because I am just used to just doing it myself.

 

Today is my first day on my own and we are surviving so far. M was sure to leave snacks close by, filled up lots of water bottles for me, made sure I had everything I needed before leaving this morning. We took the air cast off at 5 AM to ice it and put it back on before he left, as well as got me situated on the couch.

 How lucky am I to have such a caring husband that clearly would do anything for me. I knew this before, but he just continues to prove it. Bless his heart. Such a shitty time of the year to be laid up. But most importantly the baby is safe and continues to kick up a storm to keep me check of remembering how lucky I am.