Thursday, April 24, 2014

Life After Beating Infertility

This week marks Infertility Awareness Week. One out of seven couples struggle with infertility in one way or another.
infertility
Today I am going to talk about infertility and how it has affected my life. My husband and I suffered with infertility for 4 long years. The problem being my diminishing ovarian reserve, as well as having a hydrosalpinx in my one tube. I ended up having surgery to block that tube, although my other tube wasn't great either. Treatment after treatment, month after month, I soon began to fear pregnancy tests for the simple fact of seeing that negative pop up. I stopped testing after the first year. We did IVF 3 times with no such luck. I would produce the minimum eggs, leading to very few embryos. But we always had hope that one would make it. 

It was hard to come up with various ways to excuse why we didn't have children, as we kept our struggle a secret, just as many people did. I didn't keep it a secret because I was ashamed, but more because I wasn't strong enough to talk about it, I can just now talk about all we have gone through without tearing up. Remembering the pain, the let downs, the questions, the lack of understanding as to why WE had to go through this. But as time went by I realized how strong this was making my husband and I's relationship. We were chosen for this life and this is just what we had to go through to bring us our miracle. God wasn't saying no, He was saying just wait! Hold on to hope, it was a major component for getting us through.

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After our last failed IVF cycle, I was done, I couldn't bear the thought of another cycle, more bad news, it was all weighing me down. I started the new year off with a new goal to simply be the best me I could be. We went to a naturopath, did a yeast cleanse, we both dropped a lot of weight, we travelled and I was then finally able to consider another cycle. 

We tried clomid and ended up with a false positive. Clomid for me should have worked like a glass of water - causing nothing more to happen for me, ovulation was not my problem, but I just knew I had to try it. My fertility doctor decided to give me a 2nd month on the medication and sure enough we were pregnant! We couldn't believe it. It was officially the happiest, yet scariest time in our lives. I wanted nothing more but to enjoy my pregnancy and that is just what I did, despite the fear of anything going wrong, I enjoyed being pregnant to the fullest. 

My pregnancy started off super easy, with no morning sickness, I felt the best I had felt in years. At 25 weeks I ended up on blood pressure meds, 26 weeks I fractured my ankle, 32 weeks my blood pressure spiked again and 36 weeks it went up again and I ended up being induced and diagnosed with severe pre-eclampsia. My labor/delivery was complicated with being put on magnesium sulphate to prevent seizures due to my blood pressure being soo high. I ended up with a c-section after 36 hours of labor. Our son was born blue, he had a heart rate, but wasn't breathing properly due to the medication they had given me. He spent the first 2 days in the NICU. Today he is a happy and healthy baby boy and we couldn't feel any happier or more blessed! 

I am here today to talk to you about life after infertility. A lot of people think that once you have a baby that infertility is done and over with. I am here to tell you that is not the case. Infertility is always with you. I wake up each day feeling soo blessed to be a mother to our little guy, but that pain we endured doesn't just disappear. I often find myself already wondering if I will be lucky enough to experience another pregnancy. I will never forget everything we went through to get to where we are today and if anything it has given me a new respect for my child, my life and my marriage. Infertility has made me stronger and I wouldn't be the person I am today having not experienced it! I have a whole new respect for a woman's body and conception, just knowing how lucky we were to get pregnant, having such odds against us!

YUP.

You won't find me asking some one if they will have kids or when. I get it's the norm to get married, have kids, etc., but you don't know that persons story. You don't know if they are struggling and if they are, it is the worst question you can ask. Nothing drove me more insane. I know people weren't trying to be rude, I was just super sensitive about it. 

Another thing to never say to someone even just trying - just relax, it will happen. No it won't. Relaxing has nothing to do it. If you think there might be something wrong, get it checked out! Don't wait a year because that's what the doctor says to do! Trust your instincts!

TTC advice from fertile friend.

One thing I will admit to is not knowing anything about infertility before the diagnosis slapped me in the face. You don't think it can happen to you or someone you know until it does! The best thing you can do before offering advice is to be aware of infertility. Your questions will change, your opinions will change, and most importantly your advice will change. Now a days it is becoming more and more of an issue for many couples. No one wants to talk about it and even today it is not an easy subject for myself.

Prayer Of The Day – Wives Who Desire Children by @Unveiled Wife

Like I said infertility will always be with me, always a chapter in my life's story.

You can read more about my story HERE, HERE and HERE.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

What I Am Loving!!

Let me start off by saying that I am loving the weather!! Finally I think spring might actually be here!!

I am loving this flirty little boy: 

I am loving and hating that my cats caught a mouse in the house... Love that they caught it, but hate that there was a mouse in my house! We haven't had any for a long time! I'm happy M was home to deal with it! 

I love that yesterday both Noah and I stayed in our jammies all day long! Today I will get dressed!! Noah will most likely stay in his sleeper because he is in between newborn clothes and 0-3 months! Therefore he has no pants that fit... Unless they don't have feet and I don't feel like 50 million sock/slipper changes at diaper change time. The sleepers win right now, even if only 5 fit good right now. The one above is too big still, but we are over it! Old navy fits best right now! 

I am loving the smiles this little man is coming up with these days! I need to video tape these because the noises he makes are just as good as the faces!! Think big giggles and squeals! 



I love that my new perfume has come in today and I can't wait to go grab it from the post office!! 

I am loving playing around with my new blog design as some of you may have noticed!! Just working on the about me section next, which is taking a bit more time than I care to admit to! 

I am loving my little mans new wardrobe, however I am still not enjoying attempting to organize it!! He will be one trendy little man after seeing all the gifts he has received!! Which means I have a second and probably third batch of thank yous to get done! 

Hope everyone is enjoying their Wednesday!! Tomorrow I will be back to talk about my story with infertility to support Infertility Awareness Week!! 



Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Noah's First Easter Weekend [weekend rewind]

Noah had another super busy weekend filled with 4 days of fun! I will start off by saying how nice the 20 degree weather was all weekend long! It makes today's rain not so bad!

Friday S&K came over in the morning with W for a visit. The guys looked at our roof and sure enough it is going to need some work this summer! We had a great visit and W enjoyed some fun baby snuggles with Noah!

Once they left, I enjoyed my first bath in the new tub, as well as my first bath in this house!! It was great!! 


Friday we had dinner at the farm! Mike's parents invited my sisters family and my parents over for dinner. It was soo nice having our family all together, especially for Noah's First Easter! I might have mentioned we should do this once a year!! 

Noah was spoiled by Grandpa and had his first taste of ice cream - black cherry, Grandpa's favorite! Fun was had by all!! My Mom stayed over both Friday night and Saturday night. 

Friday night was the first night Noah slept ALL night long!! Celebrations were had!! So proud of our little man!! 

Saturday we worked on the garage, it flooded when all the snow melted for some reason and we had a lot of card board on the ground. Needless to say we had a mess! We got a lot of it cleaned up, but the garage is far from clean yet. We did get a good start before we had to goto Easter celebration #2 with my Mom's extended family. I did find myself a new bottle of wine to enjoy: 


Noah slept great again, not quite all night, but soo close!! 

Sunday morning we took pictures of Noah and his Easter loot! We went with clothes this year, since we all know I won't be able to do that again!! Grandma gave him the basket, the bunny that us actually the same size as him haha, and the books! 

This picture sums up Easter for Noah: 


Noah had some playtime with Lux: 

We were at the farm for lunch. M's Mom helped me out with making his car seat cover. I just have the straps to finish, maybe this week! M helped his Dad with some yard work and the dogs had a blast running around after the quad and playing in the fields! We went to my Aunts for yet another Easter dinner, which was fun! 


M worked Monday morning, but got off around 11, so we could head to London for the final Easter celebration with my Dad's extended family! It was great because my cousin from out west was home visiting!! We had a great visit and were home by 6 after picking up the dogs up from the farm! 

Noah did great after having such a busy weekend!! We are soo proud of him! He slept great at night, waking each morning at 4:30 after filling his pants! If he didn't fill his pants at 4:30, he would most likely sleep through the night like he did on Friday night! 

So last night we tried moving his last feed up to 9:45pm and having him in bed at 10 - but he still woke at 4:30 on the dot with needing a diaper change!! 

Over all we had a great weekend and finished it up with a family photo! I'm not sure how we got Noah looking at the camera and actually smiling, but we did at just 9 weeks old!! 


Hope everyone had a great weekend as well!! 




Thursday, April 17, 2014

My Dearest Grandma

Last Monday night, we received the news that my Grandma had passed. Actually my sister and I were talking about her as she passed. I meant to share this last week instead of leaving everyone hanging, but my wardrobe needed massive help and quickly. Luckily my sister came through for me with a dress from her closet that I might have to keep in mine for her!  I ended up adding to this letter for the family and reading it as her eulogy, but this is my original letter.


Dear Grandma,

I would start off this letter telling you how missed you will be, but that is the obvious, so I will share a few things that we will miss about you! 

I will never forget your strength. You had been sick for too long and just when they mention that you won't pull through, you would miracously pull through. Like hell someone was going to decide your fate, you were a fighter!

You were soo strong when Grandpa passed, you weren't afraid of your grief like most of us were. You taught me that it is okay to be mad when someone passes away, it isn't a bad thing, but a stage of grief. You showed us that there is a time to cry, a time to mourn and many times to laugh. You have shown us what it is to love endlessly in past or present. You have taught me that God doesn't do things to punish us. He didn't call upon you because we didn't need you or because you weren't loved, but rather because you were soo loved and you have lived a great life. You were part of His plan.  He only takes the best. 

You kept this family going strong and I pray that we are able to continue this even though you are no longer with us in person, but always in our hearts. I would like to think many card games will continue to play at family functions. This will be a way for you to remain alive with us, more alive than ever if you know how this family plays cards. 

Growing up you helped us find faith by taking us to church when we were in London. I could never understand why you would goto church so often, but then I learned that you had a family with God too and your heart was open to all of those in God's family, whether it was going to church just to pray for someone else. You were always soo generous and putting others first.

I will miss your whitty sense of humor and your crush on Mike. I'm glad you approved of the man I chose to marry and loved how you would often tell both Mike and I how lucky we were to have each other. It made us laugh when you would tell Mike that he needed to take you out on a date instead! I remember the day we did take you out and you thought we were joking, but you would never turn down a good meal and dessert was always a must! 

I will miss your hugs. They were endless and I always felt your love through them as you gave us that extra squish at the end. I hope to never forget this part. I hope to be as proud of a parent as you were to all your children and grandchildren. Coming to various school functions to show your support, telling me how proud of me you were after watching me sing in the church choir as a child or perform in a school play in high school. Your love and support will never go unknown to not only me, but all your children and grandchildren. 

I am sad that my son will not grow up knowing you like I did. But we will do our best in making sure he knows who you are. I am happy that he was at least able to see you before you passed away, although you were not well. I saw you lock eyes on him and can just imagine what you would have said to both me and Noah. I will be sure to let him know that he met one of his great-grandparents. 

Grandma, most importantly, I hope you will always know how loved you are. I put this in present tense because even though you are up in heaven, you are still loved down here. You hold a place in each and every one of the hearts you touched. We will all carry you in our hearts. Heaven gained a new angel when they called upon you. I will pick another star in the sky and know that it is you shining down on us. 

I hope you had the best reunion with Grandpa, because we all know how much you have missed him. I am happy you are together again because a love like that should never be separated. Now the two of you can hold hands once again and watch down on all of your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. 

Thank you Grandma for being a great role model. I want to love like you loved, live as long as you lived and embrace life just as you did. I want to be patient, just as you were and I would love to have some of your strength. I know the last few years have been rough for you, you had your good days and your bad days. It is your good days that only stand out to me in my mind. Thank you for being you. 
To think that someone like you felt proud of us and loved us unconditionally should make us all feel more than just a little good. We can never forget that there is a part of you in each of us, something that you gave to us and asked nothing for in return because that is just who you were. How lucky we are to have had someone who made saying goodbye soo hard.
Mike and I will miss you. 
Love 

Ashley 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

So What Wednesday

This is a great week for a little so what action. We have had a rough two days and luckily today is shaping up to be a good one!

So what if when we left the house on Monday to goto Noah's doctor appointment for shots, Gracie and Binx were both playing dead. Apparently they knew what was about to go down. We were already dragging our feet to going in the first place. Thanks for the encouragement guys! 

So what if Noah had his shots on Monday and screamed like I had never heard before - why didn't anyone warn me?? 

So what if I then found it appropriate to cry while he was screaming in my arms. Poor baby boy! It was just a few tears! 

So what if we rewarded ourselves with a Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurry afterwards! Our day had to have something positive happen! 

So what if nothing AT ALL has been done in my house by myself in the last 2 days because I've been handing out extra snuggles instead. 

So what if Mother Nature is having another break down?? I'm pretty sure I saw four seasons in 20 minutes yesterday!! 

So what if this is the way I really feel: 

So what if I gave been eating cupcakes for breakfast everyday this week? Those 9 pounds will come off one day??

So what if I have to go and have my ankle x-rayed yet again. Third time is a charm right? Although I'm sure it hasn't healed properly! 

So what if cutting baby fingernails is now worse than cutting the cats nails? The cats meow when you get to short, but Noah lets it go down and then you see his red little finger tips to haunt you. It's gotta hurt! 

So what if I ever so badly wanted to have a bath in my new tub yesterday, maybe with a glass of wine, but settled for a shower instead knowing I had one fussy baby that would be screaming for me. 

So what if said fussy baby pooped in the bath for the first time last night? He was in a much better mood afterwards!!

So what if M and I enjoy a little family time after Noah's 5 AM feed. Noah lays in M's spot and tells us stories, smiles a whole ton and M and I can't help but to enjoy this time! 

So what if I forgot to pick 3 winner of the Quinn and Lane Give Away! We have had a lot of unexpected things come up, but today's the day for 3 lucky winners!! 

1. Lindsey from A Running Tale
2. Jennifer Golding  - my apologies - cant find your blog!!
3. Nicole from Haute Runner

Huge thanks to Quinn and Lane for the opportunity!! I absolutely love Noah's!!
Congrat's ladies, I will put you in touch with Catherine!! 


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