This Day Was His Own

Friday was hard.    

 We spent all week trying to prepare Noah for pre-school, his first day on his own without me or another family member/friend there to help him through. I'm not sure who was having a harder time? We were all soo excited for this day, secretly hiding our fears, likely not so well from each other.      

 Noah was excited for school, but he was very concerned about being left there. He would keep saying, you are coming right mom? We talked about how school was for kids and that mommies don't go to school, just kids to have fun and teachers to help them learn. When we did our tour, he noticed it was just kids and instantly was concerned. So even when I answered, yes I'm coming, he would then ask "but you're staying right?". This was hard. I didn't want him to be worrying - sorry kid, you got that gene from your mama. We had some tough conversations, but it still came down to the fact that he said he was ready to go, he was excited, but unsettled over just those two facts.      

 Thursday night, he expressed being nervous, just a little scared, but that he was excited. Friday morning he was excited, but once we got in the car, the questions came back.     

 

 I took him in, switched his shoes, he said hi to the teacher and instantly went to go play with one of the other kids. It was great. I finished up some paper work and went to slide out. On my way out another mom stopped me to talk and next thing I knew Noah was running at me. Fail... busted... he told me he was going home. I took him back into the class, we hugged, we talked, he went and played, but kept checking back with me. The teacher began to engage with him, shut the door and then I snuck out. From there on I can only go by what he tells me and his teacher! His teacher is great, she texted me updates, and although he cried most if the tine, he still participated. She showed him how the clock works and when I would be back, she hugged him, encouraged him, reassured him and comforted him.  

 It's hard feeling like you abandoned your child, when yes, in all reality it's good for him, but at a time where he feels he needs you the most, you just leave him and make him figure it out, whether that be relying on his peers or on his own. A good lesson, yes, but one soo hard. A coping skill nonetheless, a necessity in life, but man it makes being a parent hard.  

 

 Parenthood up until age 3 was a breeze and now we are dealing with emotions and feelings and teaching those are hard. Add that on top of this new independence and it gets really tricky!! I think 3 is all about discovery - discovering and exploring emotions, independence, new roles, etc. A lot of big changes in a short amount of time and us parents left to grasp at whatever we can to get by each day and no day is the same.   

 I think one of the hardest parts is the unknown. Yes, he says he had fun, yes, the teacher tells me bits and pieces, but soo much of his day is unknown for me. You begin to wonder - is he still crying? Is he having fun? Is he being a nice boy? Is he using his manners? Are the other kids playing nice with him? Is this worth it?? Yes, I know it's worth it, but it's easy to ask yourself if youeself doing the right thing for him. These days are his own, he will tell me what he wants to tell me, but I won't hear it all and that makes me a little sad. My baby is growing up and is going to have his own experiences, whether good or bad. Who knew cutting the cord could be this hard?   

 

 Yesterday was day 2 for preschool, as we are on an on-call basis for now while we wait for a spot to open up. He had a much better day, he told me about his day, his teacher said he did much better, but still wasn't relaxed. He played and participated, but he was still missing me, but he didn't cry the whole time. It was a bit easier for us both. I know it will get easier each time and ultimately that is the goal we are working towards.     

The Truth Is:

The struggle is real! This season of life is crazy and chaotic, but it's a beautiful chaos and I wouldn't change a thing!

Our days are long, the mom guilt is strong, the house is a mess, the projects are all adding up and the to-do lists are never ending. The main goal at the end of the day is that everyone goes to bed happy, no matter how long the day was, how exhausted we all are, we survived and we did it together! 

Stop comparing to the moms who look like they have it all together, because chances are they do have it all together, but that's today, not everyday. You can't see behind the scenes. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, but like I mentioned above, as long as by the end of the day everyone can goto bed happy, then you have done it in my eyes. Look at your strengths and be proud, and looks at your weaknesses and reassess. There will always be room for improvement! Ask for help when you need it. I struggle with this one myself, but when I do have the help, it makes the worlds difference! 

I can remember wishing for these days, the long days, the fun days, the crazy days, heck even the bad days!! They are here and I am embracing them the very best I can! That's not to say that some days I don't get overwhelmed, because heck, I am no super mom!! My patience level is exhausted every.single.day on the constant, but I must say, even it is getting better, or I am just getting better at acknowledging when I need to step back or pick my battles. 

Toddlers are no joke! They are needy, emotional, loud, frustrating balls of love and energy. I'm pretty sure they are bipolar as well, because there is no way someone can actually go from being super happy to the angriest in less than a minute. But what I have learned is that being a toddler is hard work! They are literally figuring out how this world works! They are learning what is acceptable and what is not, what is considered good behaviour and bad and they are testing what they learn constantly! Throw in the variables of teething, tired, and sickness and they are like ticking time bombs!! Consistency is key! 

 

My days are constantly divided with who needs what first! Priorities become a constant equation. Both kids end up crying and I have to decide who needs me first! 

Babies don't keep! Especially second born babies! I used to think it with Noah, but with Emilya, the days are just flying by!! Luckily she gives one heck of a good snuggle hug, but otherwise she already planning her next move - literally!! Noah didn't move or crawl until like 8 months, but Emilya is already moving around the room with rolling or army crawling.

I will say that while dealing with Emilya's hearing issues and sitting in various waiting rooms with other children with issues, it just opened my eyes big time when I think about how lucky we really are. Even after getting blood work done on Emilya, I went home feeling soo defeated, babies shouldn't have to have blood work and in a perfect world, they shouldn't be able to get sick either. It was soo heartbreaking watching her get blood drawn and then walking back into a waiting room full of children with all sorts of visible and non-visible problems waiting for various procedures and blood work. 

Being a parent is hard!! I think there is even more pressure on today's society of parents as well, because with all this wrong in the world, you want tknow raise them right. You want to teach them about love, yet prepare them for how harsh the world has come! You want them to be kids, but yet cautious in such a crazy world. Soo much violence and hate and it is our job to see them through it, to choose to make them aware or pray they can't see the world for how it really is! When I was a kid the biggest problem was not taking candy from strangers, today our children deal with extreme bullying, bombs, shootings, and BAD people. That isn't to say these things didn't happen when I was younger, but they didn't happen like they do now. 

 

So that is the truth - parenting is no joke. In every single aspect, it will be the most rewarding job, but the most difficult job. The pressure is on to raise a child right, and albeit, maybe it's a pressure we put on ourselves, but with good reason! At the same time, give yourselves a pat on the pack for surviving each and every day, even the days where you coasted by on survival mode! 

 

Survival

Is it bad that I am literally counting down the days until the spring rush for the family buisness is over??? I feel like I'm literally hanging by one thread over here. My patience is getting shorter, my house is an unorganized mess, my toddler is... Well - being a toddler and my newborn is being a newborn! The days are long, soo very long for our family at this time.

I can't keep my schedule straight, to the fact that if its not on my calander, then I'm going to forget it. M keeps trying to have me make upcoming plans and make decisions, and they all bang around in my head like rocks at this point! 

I can't blame it on sleep deprivation, because that is one thing that is going really well, we are getting lots of sleep considering. But in all other departments in my life, I'm exhausted and you could say somewhat overwhelmed with the messes. When I get a minute to myself, I split it between down time (because that's the one thread everything's hanging on) and cleaning up the messes. 

Next week... Next week our life will become less stressful! Maybe not right away, because we have a lot of catching up to do, but the rush will be over! I will have my husband back and he might just find
his wife in all this chaos?? 

The good thing is the kids are healthy and happy and we are still making memories! The to-do list has been pushed aside for the last 2 months to ensure this. We got done what NEEDED to be done and not much more, because family time comes first around here. Clearly, the mess waits and the magic little cleaning fairies don't actually exist! 

Note to self for next spring: 

- Don't have a newborn during spring rush

- Don't let your basement flood during spring rush 

ALL AT THE SAME TIME. 

Yes, both things entirely out of our control and I know what your thinking, we could have planned the newborn situation better... But let's face it, when my body lets me get pregnant - a semi-surprise pregnancy at that... We take it and call it a miracle! 

So that is why things are falling behind on this blog of mine, but know that it is temporary and I have some really great reviews coming up, some fresh content, etc. So please continue to bear with me!!

Adjusting to Parenting 2 Children

Okay, so I admit, I honestly thought parenting one child was pretty easy... And maybe once I figure out this mom of two business I will say the same thing, but lately I honestly feel like everyone around me has thier shit together and I am over here with the following going down:

- my house is hit constantly with hurricane Noah. I have been working hard at getting him to pick up his toys before meals, but sometimes a few toys end up staying out all night. You bet it is those few toys that I end up tripping over when I get up to pump during the wee hours in the morning. I do blame the renovation and having more toys on the main floor than usual. I also pick my battles. 

- my kitchen... Oh my word. I am grateful for a husband who deals with the kitchen for the most part, because sometimes during my day, getting the dishes off the table from lunch, or cleaning up my mess from preparing just doesn't happen because I don't have enough hands balancing a newborn in one and preventing Noah from diving off his chair with the other. 

- dinner. We should just leave it at that. Hardest part of my day - hands down. Heck even when I have it prepared and just have to put it in the oven, I have miserablely failed because I forget to do it on time. Not only is it Noah's hard time, but now it is also Emilya's time to eat. 

- getting out of the house with two whether on my own or with M, usually results in someone crying. Emilya hates her car seat and Noah is just plain old slow or distracted. I end up frustrated, usually forget the keys or something else I will end up needing. Sometimes I feel like it's not worth all the hassle and arriving anywhere on time is a joke. Clearly I need to get more practice. 

- recovering from a c-section and following the restrictions - another joke. No lifting is the one I fail at most. I could likely get away with following the rule if I didn't have a toddler. But in order to make things happen at a reasonable pace and without exhausting my patience, lifting is required. I will say, it has left me feeling very insecure with leaving the house on my own with two though. I know I don't have the stamina to chase after a toddler in public with a newborn in tow. I know I just need to start doing it and it will come, along with my patience. But we have been practicing with walks and in the backyard and we just aren't there yet. Listening ears are the main issue lately. 

- potty training. Noah luckily has not regressed. We have had accidents, but not consistently. He is actually getting better at telling us in time and is even becoming more indenpendant in this department with helping pull down his pants and what not. But I have also started putting a towel down under his potty for the mess. Boys are messy and towels are easy to wash instead of constantly wiping up and disinfecting each time. Doing it once at the end of the day is fine. I'm hoping to get him going on the regular toilet soon, but the stool is an extra climbing hazard in our house... Unless you like seeing your toddler standing on the toilet seat balancing (not with the seat down either). 

- bedtime. I feel like we deserve an award when it actually happens on time, especially with M working so late with the spring rush. We work hard on avoiding the over tired melt downs, but they usually come. We are also trying to get Emilya on some sort of schedule and it's working. She's usually asleep by 9 pm, which should give M and I an hour to get stuff done around the house and then an hours time to ourselves if we are lucky, however more often than not, I'm heading to bed by 10 anyways. Even on the days both kids nap at the same time and I am able to nap too, I'm just tired. I often remind myself I am still recovering from my csection and I need to listen to my body over tackling the ever growing to do list, mostly filled with jobs that require lifting or vacuuming.

- renovation. This was just extra added chaos. M and I actually got a chance to talk last night while I snuggled a sleeping newborn before putting her down. We both admit we are struggling to get back on track, because we just have no time to get everything done. There is not enough time in the day. We want to get the basement put back together, but when? M is working his spring rush hours, by now include Saturday's, so that leaves Sunday to get the house cleaned and caught up and to tackle the to-do list all the while trying to fit in some fun activities with Noah and family time. I know it will get done in some sort of time and when it does our life will become a bit easier with just maintaining the house. Maybe that will be the goal this weekend. 

You bet I felt like an even bigger hot mess express when I had to take Noah to the hospital on my first week alone with two kids. It was not a boost to my mom confidence one bit. I did manage to keep it together and I know accidents happen, especially with a crazy climbing rough and gruff little boy.

And to think this mama hasn't even had a drink after some of the most stressful days, but in all honesty I'm just to tired! I keep saying it will get better when we get the house put back together post reno, but finding the time to even make that happen proves to be a challenge with M's crazy spring work schedule. 

So yes, it appears that I do not have my shit together. In order to shower, I am showering with my toddler before his bedtime to ensure I get one. 

But at the end of the day, I have two beautiful children and I couldn't be happier. I remember the days I used to pray for these "problems" - okay not the renovation part, but the parenting parts. I know this time with them is soo precious. This post is not to complain about all the above, but it is to remember this struggle and share with other new moms that not everyone has their shit together. We will all have good days and bad, easy or hard. 

Being a mom is one of my very best accomplishments I will ever do and I honestly couldn't be prouder. Our life in my eyes is perfect, even when it isn't. Even after the hardest days. It's beautiful chaos in all reality and the best kind to have. I am blessed beyond words and I couldn't be happier. 

First Day Alone with 2

The day finally came and I was a bit nervous in all honesty. Mostly nervous over the fact that I am recovering from a c-section and have limitations with lifting and what not and secondly nervous about lack of sleep and functioning a full day with enough patience and no help!

Well I am 3 days in and it's a heck of a lot easier than what I had imagined. We definitely have some work to do in the toddler listening department, however I am really happy with how it's gone down this far! I am not naive enough to know that we will have some really really rough days ahead, in the meantime I am taking each day minute by minute/hour by hour and we are doing great! 

A huge credit goes to Emilya, who is super laid back and an excellent sleeper. I am waking feeling soo rested, which is also key to my csection recovery and sanity. I am waking up around 7 AM when Noah gets up and Emilya is usually sleeping from about 5-9 AM, giving me time to pump if needed, feed Noah (and myself) and give him some one on one time! Having a renovation going on during our first week has had its challenges, but I am happy to say it is almost done - I am hoping by the weekend we can start moving stuff back in and make a trip to IKEA to get some storage solutions. 

My biggest goal, now that I am a mom of 2 is tandem napping, giving me time to myself to either just relax or attempt to get something done quietly or to nap, which is exactly what I have done all 3 days, is nap! Another key to feeling soo great post csection! 

On Day 1, M was home in enough time to help with preparing dinner, which was one less thing I had to deal with. It's rough timing trying to get dinner going, feed the baby - who is usually awake and wanting to eat from about 4:30-6:30, feed Noah, etc. Day 2 was dinner at the farm and yesterday was my first day to prepare dinner... M got a casserole out of the freezer in the morning, so I had to do was put it in the oven and of course I forgot! Didn't help that Noah was not listening, and Emilya just wanted to eat. 

So there we have it, we all survived, we were all tired by the end of the day, but overall, it was great. Yesterday was a true testament of my patience with Noah, as he must have lost his listening ears over night, so that was fun, but we made it. We will have our good days and our bad days, and believe it or not, this mama still hasn't HAD to have wine yet!! 

Being a mom to two is such a blessing and I truly am loving every single moment of it! 

What Is New Wednesday?

I figure since I took a blogging hiatus for holidays I should update you all on what is going down with us now that we are home?

1. Noah turned 5 months old today!! How? Where did time go? I will say I love watching him experience new things, develop new skills, and listen to his new sounds! Such a fun stage! Both M and I were just saying how we couldn't imagine life without him, we are soo blessed!

2. On the topic of Noah, we are finally bouncing back into our timezone, everyone is sleeping much better now! Noah is less cranky, as long as I get him to nap before 5 PM - because 5 PM is cranky hour!

3. I am getting back on track with Operation Shape Up. I did take 2 weeks holidays, but somehow managed to not gain any weight! Perfect!! I will share more on this operation soon!

4. While Operation Shape Up is in progress, so is Operation Get Organized!! I don't know what it is about getting home from holidays that makes me want to get things moving, so the plan is everything must have a home and if it doesn't it goes, or something else goes to give it a home! M and I have both come to conclusion that we have too much "stuff".

5. We are still waiting for the final report from the insurance company in regards to our roof, so while we wait for that, everything else is on hold too! Including the deck around the pool and phase 2 of the bathroom!

6. Noah has his first appointment with the pediatrician tomorrow. We will be addressing reflux and I'm sure his slow weight gain - which I am not as worried about. While M and I were away it was great not worrying about it at all, we would high five each other when people told us how big he was, then as soon as we get home, back to the doctors and the concern starts all over again. It is soo frustrating! I know everyone has his best interests at heart, but so do we! It would be a different story if he wasn't a happy, chill baby or wasn't going above and beyond his milestones monthly - then I would be concerned. If they considered his weight with being 3 weeks early he would be on par! So tomorrow will be interesting. I may just take friends advice and stop taking him to get weighed weekly to eliminate that stress.

7. We are getting ready to transition Noah up to his crib over the next 2 weeks -we are hoping! We wanted to give him a week to adjust to the time change again and then I want to start unswaddling him at night. A lot of big changes for him all at once! But during nap time he isn't swaddled, so I am going to start leaving one arm out at a time at bedtime, as well as wrapping him loosely. Then I will switch to a sleep sack, yet leave an arm tucked in and then completely out. That is my plan! Any tips or tricks on how you other moms made this transition?

Happy Wednesday Friends!!

Weekend Rewind

Today Noah experienced his first trip to IKEA!! We don't have too much to get, but nonetheless it was a fun day with M's Mom, Aunt and cousin! It is also going to be hot today!! Bring on the heat!! Although this Momma got her first sunburn of the year yesterday, but no complaints, it just means my pasty white skin is getting some color again!! 

A weekend of firsts we will call it. Let's rewind to Friday:

Friday M had his first ball game of the season. It was pretty brutal, they lost by a lot to a little... This was also Noah's first ball game!! He didn't really enjoy it all that much because it was windy, so he was covered up for most of it! 

Saturday M was supposed to have live fire training and I was going to go photograph it again like I did last year, but M ended up staying at work because they ran into some issues. So when M did get home, which was late, he had flowers in hand and we headed into town, grabbed groceries, a new lawnmower and dinner.

Later that night M's parents came over to babysit for the very first time!! This was the first time we left Noah together as a couple. He didn't make it easy on this Mama and decided to have a cryfest as we were planning to leave, so I quickly picked him up and promptly put him to sleep and we were out the door by 9:30 and back at home around 11:30. We just had a buck and doe to go to. 

Leaving him was alright and he was great for Grandma and Grandpa, but in all honesty, both M and I were talking about him all night. Even M found it weird leaving him. But we all survived!! 

Sunday morning I slept in until 8 AM! Noah slept great all weekend actually for a change. My first Mother's Day was great! It was very relaxing, Noah gave me a card, a gift card to the spa and hand and foot impressions. It was perfect. 

We went outside did some yard work, played fetch with the dogs - which Gracie is getting quite good at!! We came in had lunch, put Noah down for a nap and while M set up his new lawnmower, I grabbed myself a Somersby and sat in the sun. Apparently I fell asleep for a bit. I finished grooming Gracie and then we gave her an outdoor bath! 

When Noah got up, we headed over to the farm to give M's Mom her card, and ended up staying for dinner. When we got home, we hopped right into our nightly routine with a bath, then a feed and bedtime. 

Overall my weekend was great, my first Mother's Day was soo very special. I found myself in tears a few times with just utter joy, yet despair for those still suffering. It was definitely surreal and definitely a great reminder of how blessed I truly am!! Mothers Day is special once again, infertility didn't rob me of it completely. 

I hope everyone had a great weekend.