By sharing our story I am not doing this for pity, I'm doing this to put awareness out. This is just a glimpse of how an infertile feels. How infertility is a devastating fact of life for some. I could have been sharing this along the way I realize, but I just wasn't ready to. It's not an easy topic. It's not attention I wanted drawn to myself. By having this blog as it was, it made me focus on the good going on my life, not the bad.
This is our story. It has made us stronger and it has taught us many life lessons some couples may never understand. It has given us an understanding of one another, what love is, what hope is and what doubt isn't.
April 14, 2011, I was diagnosed with a hydrosalpinx on my right tube. I went to my doctor for results of my sonohystogram, sure that everything was fine and I was shocked to learn just the opposite. That day was probably one of my hardest. Knowing that this could ruin our future plans, better yet I need to tell my husband that I am the reason our baby dreams may not come true. I was devastated. For someone who hates medical procedures, hospitals and doctors I have had my fill. We were referred onto a reproductive endocrinologist, as at that point we knew getting pregnant wasn't going to be easy after we had already been trying for a year. Our RE recommended trying IVF. On July 21, 2011 - our 4th wedding anniversary we found ourselves sitting in a doctors office listening to our options. It was at this point it all became real. All of these feelings of letting down my husband and our dreams dawned on me. There was no way out! But somehow we left that appointment that took all day feeling encouraged.
I will say that M has been my rock through this all. He took the news better than I expected. He has supported me and despite my lack of being able to have an easy conception. He has encouraged me, despite my hard feelings on myself. He has always been positive about achieving our dreams, it just might take us longer, it's not going to be easy, but we have got this.
On September 27th, 2011 we started our first round of IVF. The needles were daunting and I won't lie, I'm a needle-a-phob and they just down right sucked! Most of them burned, and more often than I care to admit I would end up in tears by the end of it. Thank God M is soo supportive and knows just the right things to say to get me through this.
By the October 4, 2011, I was devastated with the news that my cycle was cancelled. My follicles had stopped growing - the simple protocol turned out to cause an allergic reaction and we were out. The encouragement that I once had was gone - I imagined we would only have to endure this once. Boy was I wrong!
I won't lie when I say that infertility has its highs and lows. The lows are low, lower than I care to admit. My body was failing me time and time over again. This is the one thing that I was supposed to be able to do and for some reason I was unable. It wears you down. It makes it hard to get up out of bed in the morning because by the end of the day you are exhausted from pretending to be happy. Pretending to be happy is what pulled me through this, along with the support of our family and few friends who we told.
It took quite some time to pick up the pieces. You go into these cycles believing that this is going to work - when things backfire you scramble to pick yourself up.
Part 2 - to be cont'd