My Dear Sweet Lily

I can't believe your gone, my heart aches in a way I will never be able to explain. You really were the best dog, and the very best friend a girl could ask for.

You started out as our "Marley" - chewing the remote controls, coffee table, my camera, my Marley and Me book, shoes and of course we can't forget the kitchen floor. You were the Houdini in the house and could get out of your dog kennel by bending up the metal and crawling out. You were the stealer of the tea towels and burp cloths later on. You were my snuggler, and I still haven't figured out how you could breath when you nuzzled your wet snout right in against the blankets. You were a sister to Gracie, as well as her partner in crime and a big sister to Noah, a job you waited too long for. Oh my sweet Lily, life just will not be same without you. 

You were my rock and have been with me through so many tough things in life that we have been dealt. You had a tough go 3 years ago and we almost lost you then. We always said since then any extra time we had with you, we were lucky. Now I know just how lucky, but even that couldn't have prepared me for that day.

I can't even process what happened Wednesday, you went from fine to not fine in a matter of minutes. But I knew something wasn't right, something was different. Even not feeling well, you came when I called you, stumbled and all and just lied at my feet. Your gums were pale and your eyes were losing their glow. I took you outside and you laid in the grass, Gracie right by your side. I ran into get you some water and when I came back you were still. My sweet baby girl, I scooped you up, you looked in my eyes one last look, and took a few more short breaths as I cried and told you how much I love you. I put my head on your chest crying and listened to you take you your final breath and heard your heart stop beating. The silence was daunting and I couldn't help but to cry out. Gracie came in closer, put her head on my shoulder. She knew. We sat there and mourned together and then I had to call Mike. Gracie wouldn't leave your side, once I walked away she started barking. It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from. These things aren't supposed to happen in real life.

My eyes are wet, my face is swollen and my heart aches in a way I can't begin to explain. You were like a child to me. Just when I think I am out of tears, my body finds a way to make new ones. I can't shut off my thoughts, my memories, that day, or this night without you. I'm a wreck. I'm trying to keep busy, trying my best not to cry, but so many things get me going. When I get two treats out of the cookie jar, only needing one, when Noah looks around for you, seeing poor Gracie pouting and struggling with the loss, seeing her wait at the door for you to come outside too or seeing her sitting where you passed away yesterday because she can still smell you there. Life is soo hard right now. 

Gracie has never experienced life without you. She is lonely and mourning, but doing her best to try to engage with me right when I call her. I can't make this better for her. I can't bring you back. Oh how I wish I could. 

I can't even think of anything positive right now about this whole situation. People say at least it went quick, but I'm so selfish and think too quick. But how do I say goodbye in a matter of minutes? My thoughts are selfish, my grief is unbearable. People think you were just a dog, but to me, you were soo much more than that. You were my child, my love, my best friend, my joy, my companion, you were a sister - but you were never just a dog.

I'm glad I was with you, don't get me wrong, but deep down I feel haunted and keep checking on Gracie to make sure she is still breathing. Sometimes I find myself looking for you or waiting for you come up the stairs or out the door. But you don't come anymore. We went for our first walk without  you today and I'll be honest it just wasn't the same. 

They say life goes on, time will heal all wounds and maybe that is so, but right now it seems impossible. Nothing can bring you back, all I have left are memories, your stuff and photos. 

So goodbye my sweet angel, you will be forever missed and never forgotten. You were my best dog ever. Until we meet again...

RIP Sweet Lily, I will always love you like no other, my best friend.