I am sure we all have insecure days, but for me, they are usually there non-stop. I am better now than I used to be, but every now and then it sneaks up on when I least expect it. I could simply blame it on the way I was raised. It always mattered what others thought, even if we had a family problem, it was kept quiet. We had to appear to everyone that we were living the "perfect" life.
Everyone struggles in life at one point or another, it is natural and it is normal. I know this, I really do, but I can't help to get on my own case for the things I cannot control. For example, I have battled with eczema for most of my life and I just now have gotten it under control. As a child, I was teased non-stop, jokes were made at my expense by family and "friends". Sure, I would laugh it off, but inside I am screaming... "WHY ME?" "Do you think anyone will notice?". I mean I made up excuses left right and centre. I had it on my legs and would refuse to where shorts and if I was going swimming, I would put a band-aid on it and if anyone asked about it, I would tell them I was clumsy and fell and scraped my leg... whatever would work to keep there suspicions low. What ever worked to make them think I was normal and nothing was wrong!
The older I get, the more I realize how "normal" it is to struggle. It isn't such a bad thing, in fact it teaches you lessons, but admitting the struggle is the hardest thing.
I am insecure, I will admit it. If my skin breaks out, I am worried about it. If my outfit fits tighter, I get upset. If my hair acts up... I feel like EVERYONE is staring. These are just a few things that bother me.
It is a whole different story with my house. If people just drop by, I freak out afterwards because everything was not in place. I cannot help it. Yes, I could live in the perfect life with everything put away and the floor always vacuumed, furniture dusted, dishes put away, etc., but I don't and I don't actually know anyone who does. But I beat myself and M up over it.
I don't know how to stop myself from thinking this way. Why do I care soo much about what others think? I am human. We are all human. I can only do soo much. I am not a bad person if there is mail on my counter, some cups on the counter or in the sink and the blanket thrown on the couch. I don't judge other peoples houses when I go there, so why do I feel like I am being judged?! Why do I feel like my place is worse?
If someone doesn't like me, or has something bad to say, why can't I just say "So What?". They are obviously not that good of a friend if they are going to bad mouth me or not accept me for who I am. If people knew half the pain of their words or actions... would they still do it? It still hurts and it still makes me wonder, what could I have done differently. Why do I want to be liked so badly? Why do I want to be a good friend to those who will not be a good friend back to me? Why is it easier to say "So What" than to actually feel that way!?
M is good at grounding me when I get all crazy about the things I cannot control. But he also tries to solve the problem and yes there are slip ups, but if we work together we will get through it. I am learning to be open with him about the way I feel. Poor M, little did he know that he would be my therapist, as well as my husband. I wish I could be more like him.
So, now you know what kind of struggle I deal with everyday. Like I said, it is getting better. I don't like screaming inside, I don't want to live in a glass house either, I want my life to be real, I don't want to hide my struggles, I want to embrace them and beat them with my best.