Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Who I Am Today

The woman that I am today, was not the woman I was yesterday, today I am older, wiser, and more experienced. Today I am ready to face the world with my life on my back. I would like to think that I am stronger today than I was yesterday.

If I take a look into my past I can see how much I have grown and how much I have changed. I can see the lessons I have learned. I can see the things in life that changed me.

My dog taught me unconditional love. To love someone or something sooo much, no matter what and to be loved back no matter what. I would love to say that my parents taught me this, and they did sort of - they taught me that concept of it. We all KNOW our parents love, but to be loved by something/someone different hits home. Snoopy (my shih tzu - first dog) loved ME for ME, with all my flaws, throughout all my life changes and stages, no matter what. He loved the person that I didn't even know I was. From the moment I met him, before I had even decided to keep him, he loved me. Some people would say pets have a good judge of character... lol

My husband taught me all about love, every aspect of it and although I am still learning about love throughout life's lessons, I love him more than he will ever know it and I am pretty positive that he loves me more than I will ever know.

The importance to learning life's lessons is to be open to the possibilities, to love who you are today and who you were yesterday, no matter what.

I know that at certain points in my life I have done things that I am not proud of, some of those things changed me, some for the good and some for the bad - depending how you look at it. I have said things to people that maybe I should not have, I have let people down, I have argued over pointless issues, etc. We have all done this.

I have stood up for myself when no one else would. I have stood my ground. I believe my beliefs - whether or not the person beside me believes them as well. I am an individual. These things take a lot out of person. They empower you, but they will also make it easy for others to judge.

But who is the real judge? In my opinion, the only judgement that counts is yours. If you can look back on a situation and ask yourself if you handled that correctly. There will always be things you could have done differently.

Have you ever wondered what other's think of you? It is an interesting perspective.

I am sure that people think that I am strong-willed and opinionated. Oh wait rewind... I have heard what others have thought in the past... (you may remember this). I might even come across as a bitch... I am sure that some people think I am nice and friendly, kind and generous, etc. I guess it depends on who you ask.

But have you ever wondered why people think what they think? This is where is gets interesting.

Why would someone think I am strong-willed/opinionated/bitchy? Because I will stand up for myself and those around me? Maybe. But what these people don't know is that deep down inside it is a hard task and yes, maybe it takes a certain kind of guts, but do they know how deep you need to dig to get there? I grew up being the shiest person. I was picked on and never said a peep. I am sure we all know what that feels like. Why would I have let it happen back then without saying anything? It wasn't okay, no one stood up for me. Now I feel like people need to know where to draw the line. It is not okay and I am not going to pretend that it is. In a situation, part of me is that little girl and then the woman I am today stands up for her. I am not suggesting that flying off the handle is a good idea. You need to respect the people around you and that is what it comes down to. If you are not going to respect me, I am not going to stoop to your level, but I am also not going stand there and take your nonsense. I am sorry... I guess I could say I have been there and done that and it is not okay.

 I have been referred to "there are people like you and I am not one of them" - what does that mean? I don't go out of my way to hurt people's feelings, I don't crave conflict and I don't disrespect people blatantly. I was kind of taken back when I heard this because I thought is this an insult? But then after thinking about it, no it is not. Do I love having issues with people? No. In general, do I have problems with people? No. Do I try to avoid confrontation? Yes. Will I stand up for myself? Yes. Would I do whatever I could to help someone? Yes. What is wrong with this picture? Nothing. I am me. People will only see the part of you that they want to. So if you act out once, it makes you - in their mind. I don't like being categorized, partially because I don't understand it. How can you categorize me - based on the life I live or based on incidents that have happened in the past? Do you really know me? Is that a fair judgement?

I don't want a pity party when I say that my life is far from easy, because just as mine isn't, chances are that yours isn't either and we all know that there are people far worse off. I am loved and to me that is the most important aspect of life. Life would be boring without struggles. Life is what you make it, not how others see it. It has definitely made me think twice on the way I portray myself. And soon, it too will change me. Always be open to change, it is not necessarily a bad thing.

It is life's little moments that change us the most. Let go of your past and become the person you are today.


Jamie said...

Thanks for sharing this. We've probably all felt this way, in some form or fashion, at some point in our lives. You seem to have such a good grasp of everything, which makes me a little envious. I like to think I've grown and changed over the years, but for the most part, when something comes my way, I still feel like the same insecure girl that I've always been. I have to agree with you, having people (and doggies) that truly love us means more than anything else! :)

J and A said...

Great post Ash. I hear you in so many ways. Yuo are such a strong lady and put this very well. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing. Love it!

Steph said...

very true sista!!:)love this

Rebecca said...

"Life is what you make of it" has always been my motto. Its so true. What you put into your life you in return receive and you might not always like what you get back which means more patience and acceptance.

Anonymous said...

very well written :-) it's a good reminder! :-)
Thanks for sharing!


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