Now is the time to put the struggles to the side, even just for a day and to truly be happy with what you DO have in your life. Your struggles, no matter what they are will still be part of yesterday and maybe tomorrow, but for one day just soak in the season of thanksgiving.
Friday, October 11, 2013
As another thanksgiving rolls around, I can't help to remember what a hard place I was in just 3 short years ago. Our very first IVF cycle was cancelled and I literally felt like my world had just shut down. God had said no, yet again. Despite this being the beginning of our journey really, as far as treatments went, it broke us down and made us realize that this journey was not going be quite as easy as we had set ourselves up to believe. We had figured that our first IVF would bring us the baby we always dreamed of. You have to put that in your in head, in order to just get through the cycle, or even prep yourself for the cycle, without that hope why else would you do it? You have to believe it's going to work. But when it doesn't, the let down sucks, your world is rocked in ways you never imagined.
For me, I didn't want to celebrate thanksgiving, I was mad, I was ungrateful, as bad as that seems to admit. It was too difficult to look at the things in my life that I am forever grateful for, like our families and friends, our pets, our house, our dreams that have come true, our jobs, our accomplishments, I could continue to list the things that matter in our lives. I made up an excuse as to why we weren't going to thanksgiving with our extended family, because we hadn't shared our struggles, and now was not the time to. I couldn't imagine having to talk about it, yet here I am admitting my faults, because I was wrong. My Mom and sister had tried convincing me to go, but I couldn't bear the thought at that point of pretending to be happy, little did I learn that soon this would be my only coping mechanism to get me through these hard times.
The following years around thanksgiving, and Christmas, and any other time another bump or no came up in our infertility journey it brings me back to remembering how easy it is to forget those important things in your life, even just the small things. The kisses goodnight with M, the quality time with my nieces or nephews, the puppy snuggles, family dinners and games, the walks with friends, those little moments in life that don't seem like much at the time, but looking back it was those exact moments that got me through.
Obviously this year is different for us, I'm teary eyed just writing about how grateful and thankful we are for where we are this weekend! This baby inside of me growing and kicking up a dance party is the answer to soo many prayers at this time of the year. The one thing I have prayed I could be thankful for! Thanksgiving for me this year is good, I'm just soaking in all those small things and I'm happier than ever. But with that being said, I will never forget the silent walls that scream your struggles non-stop at you when you are alone. I will never forget about those still struggling. I will never forget about my own struggles or how far I have come and I will never take this season for granted again.