Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Meeting My Son For The First time

This post is in continuation from Noah's birth story found HERE. I will admit it has been really hard to write this part. 

They finally agreed and wheeled me to the NICU around 1 PM. I broke down yet again, seeing him soo helpless with wires and machines. But he was perfect! He held tightly on my finger as tears streamed down my face.

 I wanted nothing more but to bond with him and hold him, but he was stuck in the isolette. I knew I was only allowed 10 minutes or so to see him, and leaving him was soo incredibly hard. How do you make the most of spending time with your son for the first time, knowing you will be separated once again. This wasn't the way I ever imagined meeting my baby, but I knew he was safe and sound and where he needed to be!

I napped like I promised, I was still hooked up to the mag sulphate and was unable to eat. Swelling was taking over my whole body - I hardly recognized myself. We had a few visitors, but in all honesty I was out of it and don't recall much of the afternoon, as the meds they gave me to help me with pain and sleeping were pretty strong. But I can remember checking my phone continuously for updates from M from the NICU.  I was supposed to stay on the mag sulphate for a full 24 hours after delivery, but I convinced the doctors to let me off early, if my blood work came back okay. I was finally allowed to eat at 1 AM! Jello and an arrow root cookie, along with the biggest cup of water I could get! I then was allowed to get up for the first time since being admitted and go down to see the baby in a wheel chair. They let me hold him and we did skin to skin. I was overwhelmed once again with a flood of emotions holding my son for the first time. He was soo fragile and hooked up monitors and IV's still. But it was the most amazing feeling I had been waiting for! I was his Mommy and felt him calm right down as he lied on my chest. Nothing in the world has ever felt soo right. He snuggled right in, attempted to nurse, it was perfect, aside from still being hooked up to machines. This was the first moment that he most likely clued in that I was indeed his mommy, as he could finally hear my heart beating on the outside for the first time and I could hear his.

I think it's one thing to know you have had a baby, but to be held back from holding, cuddling and snuggling the baby is probably the hardest thing. I was soo worried it would affect our bond. I wanted him to feel our love and our presence. Leaving him every time seemed harder and harder, even though he was getting stronger and stronger. There were more times I dare to admit where I would find myself crying because he wasn't with me. 

Just being in the NICU and seeing all the babies, all different sizes, hearing the alarms, worrying when a machine flashes, seeing other babies suffering worse than your own, it just overwhelms you. But the staff was amazing, we cannot complain. We know that Noah received the best care possible while in there. We took their advice on ignoring the monitors and just focusing on him, reassuring us that he was going to be okay. 

While I was holding the baby, M went back to our room to empty it and take all our stuff to our new room in the mother/baby ward. Luckily we had our own room for the first night, as M and I were both overwhelmed with exhaustion and emotions on high. Being away from our baby that first night, something some parents would have wanted, but not us, we would have done anything to have him with us. The silence was deadly, hearing other babies crying from other rooms, wondering if yours was doing the same. Saying silent prayers for our sweet baby, holding hands knowing we had each other. We set alarms to keep up our pumping schedule, and M would run whatever I could produce down to the NICU. I can remember being soo upset that I wasn't able to go, or felt helpless producing soo little. 

I was monitored hourly over the next 24 hours, so I wasn't allowed to be gone from my room for long. My nurse was great with comforting me, knowing we were struggling with being apart from our baby. We didn't discuss names at all, just took our time getting to know our son when we were with him. 

Monday morning we went to the NICU first thing, he had been taken off a few monitors over night because he was doing soo well. He was finally able to breath without the assistance of the breathing tube, so we could finally see his face for the first time! It was perfect. He had some bruising in his hands from the IV's that they had taken out, but was still hooked up to the heart rate monitor, and oxometer just for precautionary reasons. They were talking about discharging him to our room the next day, he just had to be monitored 24 hours without any hiccups and his blood work had to come back clear of any infections.

I think this post is emotional enough to continue with Naming Our Son in a new post! 


Murdock's mama said...

Ugh...I cannot imagine! :( I'm so glad this story has a happy ending!! :)

Allyssa Idell said...

Wow! I can't imagine having to go through all of this! I would have struggled not being able to hold him, too! I'm sorry, friend! I'm so thankful you've made it through this, though! :)

Allyssa Idell said...

Wow! I can't imagine having to go through all of this! I would have struggled not being able to hold him, too! I'm sorry, friend! I'm so thankful you've made it through this, though! :)

Rebekah said...

That seems like such a struggle! Your story has a wonderful ending and from your pictures it seems like you have a fantastic bond with him!

J and A said...

Oh this would have been so so so hard. Good thing you are a strong woman and pushed through this. I know all the time you have spent with him since has made up for this. So happy for you guys though.

Alisha said...

Sweet girl, my goodness... what a story! I am so happy to see him growing and healthy. Thank you so much for stopping by and linking up with us!

Nicole @ Haute Runner said...

This breaks my heart- hearing again what you had to go through after he was born. I could not imagine having to be separated from my newborn baby.

You are so strong and that's why you were picked to be Noah's mommy!


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