It wasn't until I was rocking Noah to sleep the other night and it dawned on me. I had it in my head that I wanted our babies close, but I also know we are dealing with infertility all over again. Infertility obviously brings up a lot more emotions than I care to get into on the blog. I can say that this time around I have a peaceful mind knowing that no matter what happens we have Noah!
This is OUR time. We don't get these days back, we live each day to the very fullest! I don't have the time to be upset about another failed cycle, because Noah deserves better than that. Our family life will go on with or without baby #2. Yes we want another baby, heck if I'm being honest 3 was our number, but right now we have one and we are soo blessed and fortunate for this! Our little family is my main focus! We know what it's like with none.
Is infertility hard the second time around? Yup, it sure is. But it's a different kind of hard! I felt the need to be strong before during our struggle, but now it is even more important for my little family. I am needed in a way I never was before! If my tears are to fall (and they do and will) it's on MY time, when I am alone and can work out my thoughts. The feelings are real and rip right through where they were before like they have just been hiding away waiting to reappear again. They have tried to come at times when I wasn't alone but I put on my brave face, took a moment to gain composure and put it on the back burner. We are hopefull and that is all we can be!
We don't get these days back, and we are constantly making memories every hour of every day! I don't want those memories to be about being sad. We spent 4 years before getting pregnant being sad. If it is meant to happen - it will and I am at peace with that.
This is our time to be the family we are today, to love each other, be with each other each and everyday and for that I am okay with- No matter what happens from here on in! Granted I didn't choose the path we have walked in the past - no one would choose infertility, but it is a part of who we are unfortunately, but the fortunate part is how strong we have become because of it. We see things soo differently than most people. We are blessed and we know it and we don't take a minute of our time with our son forgranted. If anything infertility this second time around is slowing life down, the months do seem longer again, but they are longer with Noah and for that I am happy, because life was moving so fast during this past year!