This is not my typical happy go lucky Friday post.
Yesterday was hard. Yesterday I had to put my feelings aside and be strong for my Grandma.
My Grandma has been sick for a while, I am sure I have posted about it briefly. Yesterday she was deemed palliative, which basically means she is not going to get better and her days are numbered. They have decided to keep her in her nursing home, as the hospital is too hectic for her, but they are doing their best to keep her comfortable.
"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries, it can't seperate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death."
The last time I saw my Grandma, she was in good spirits, still cracking jokes. I selfishly wanted to hold on to that memory as my last. The more I thought about it, the more guilt I felt and then realized that this is not about me - it is what my Grandma needs and my family needs. M and I decided to go up and visit her last night and I am glad we did. She was still cracking jokes and was still smiling. She was soo happy to see us! I fought back my tears, knowing that this would probably be the last time I saw her, the last "goodbye" and the last "I Love You". My eyes are welling up as I write this.
I think the hardest part is that she knows the end is near. She is very Catholic and the priest has come to read her last rights. She says she is ready for this, yet you can see how scared she is - afraid to close her eyes, wondering what will happen, waking startled, but just to make sure she could still wake up. It is soo hard to see this going on, or even to know this is happening. Her strength still amazes me. She has lived a great life and fought a hard battle.
She always tells me that I married my "Ken" and would laugh afterwards - Mike's first name is actually Kenneth. She also would tell me how lucky I was to find a young good-looking man and that she had a crush on him!
I pray that she finds peace and comfort with whatever comes next. I also pray for a smooth transition and that her suffering is minimal.
I also pray that my family will find peace throughout this and that our strength is enough to support each other.
"Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries. Live gives up and life tries. But life looks different through everyone's eyes."